Friday, June 15, 2007

The Other Shoe

I have a husband who is generally very even-keeled. It takes alot to upset him, alot to frustrate him, and alot to rattle him. USUALLY. Lately, that has not been the case. This pregnancy in particular, has brought out a side of my husband I had not seen before. To be fair, I'm sure he would say the same about me, but I have hormones on my side, so I'm not the one on trial here. Anyhow, he has been quick-tempered, lazier, easily frustratable and generally less easy going this time around. Which seems strange to me. This time I feel like it will be basically a piece of cake. It's our third go round (granted, 3 in 31 months is enough to rattle ANYONE a little!), we know generally what to expect, we are much more stable as a family and with our finances, and yet my husband doesn't seem to be coping well. We are blessed. There's just no other way to say it. We have had little to no trials or complications in our lives, and certainly no tragedies. We have FAAAR more in every way than most other people, and without a doubt most other people our age. And yet this week, my husband is depressed. Why, you ask? Well, mainly because he didn't get the promotion he wanted when he's only been with the company for 2 years. Yes, he's had raises and significant bonuses. Yes, he's been promoted twice laterally in the company. Yes, he's had very positive feedback and has been told he is looked at as promotable and managerial material.
Secondly, because he feels he doesn't really have friends. I have tried several times to get him to go out with some of my friends' husbands, to no avail. I have suggested a poker club with some of the guys on the street. I have offered to have the guys over to watch games. But he doesn't seem interested. I don't know where he should go to meet guy friends, and I really don't know what he expects at this phase of our lives when we have 3 children under 3. Evenings are relaxed because our kids go to bed early. But then we are in for the night. One or the other of us can go out, but not both. We are limited as to our activities.
Which brings me to the apparent third reason for his distress. He's bored at night. Umm, I'm due in two weeks, so I just don't feel like doing a whole lot at night unless the nesting urge hits and I want to clean. He doesn't want to clean or do projects. He doesn't want to watch tv. He doesn't want to read. He doesn't want to surf the net, or at least objects if that's what I choose to do instead of watching a guy show with him. I have no idea what I am supposed to do to make him happy.
And then the fear strikes. What if this is the beginning of the end? What if this malcontent makes him look elsewhere for happiness and excitement? What if he takes off with another woman and leaves me broken hearted and penniless with three children? Or worse, what if God decides to give us something to complain about and our first real tragedies strike? I won't even make suggestions there, because I can't bear to think about the possibilities. And so, as my husband mopes around, I feel myself beginning to slip. I try to keep my chin up so my kids won't notice the change. I speak in a high pitched, happy-mommy voice and smile when I feel like crying. And if my husband read this, he would say, "It's not that bad, honey. I'm sure I'll be over it soon. It's not that big a deal." But the fickleness still remains. Last week he loved his job and promotion or not, he would be perfectly happy. Last week, sitting around just the two of us watching tv felt great! Last week, he couldn't wait to be home with us and wouldn't dream of going out with COWORKERS of all people for drinks and appetizers when he could spend the afternoon with the kids instead. How things change in the course of a week. I hope I don't get postpartum depression, cause somebody has to keep this ship afloat in the coming weeks! Livi, I can't wait until you arrive and I know you will help snap your Daddy out of this funk. Maybe then he'll remember that you guys are the ones we live for and that our lives and happiness may be put on hold for a while so we can devote our time and energy to growing the best possible kids. And let me tell you, it's paying off so far. We have some terrific kiddos! I love you guys SOOOOO much and thank you for making me smile, even when I don't think I can.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Almost time!

At my doctor's appointment on Friday, June 8 (happy 5th anniversary us!) I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced! I think that's good news, but with the boys I didn't dilate or efface AT ALL until late in my labor. I was actually at the doctor's each time during the day with the boys and was told I wasn't doing anything and would probably be late. I've had ALOT of cramping and Braxton Hicks contractions lately, but you never know! I'm starting to feel more anxious about the boys' reactions to the baby and the changes than I am about the house cleaning now. I was awake at 5:30 this morning thinking through all the possible scenarios for people coming to stay with the boys, depending on the day I go into labor. June 21st, is my ideal day because it allows my mom to come up for the birth, spend a couple of weekend nights here taking care of the boys while we're at the hospital, and then head home for work for the week. Ryan would be off that week, so I would have help for the first week home. Then my mom would return Friday the 29th and stay through July 8, and Roger would come for the week of July 9. I would have 3 straight weeks of help, which I have never had anything close to for the other births! I'm sure I'll need it this time more than ever!
Olivia's room is all done, and I am so pleased with the result. I ended up fabric dying white pillow shams and bedskirt pink because I refused to pay $95 for that, and they came out really well! We had to cut down the roman shade a little, but miraculously, that worked out well too! It's a relief to have all those things done. Everything is washed up, the batteries are changed in all the baby gadgets, and the bassinet is at the ready! My hospital bag is MOSTLY packed, and I've wrapped the babies I plan to give the boys at the hospital. I am hoping they will take care of "their" babies, while I take care of Olivia, but we'll see how that goes. I stocked up at Wal-mart today on all the non perishables, and plan to make two freezer meals this week, lasagna and chicken enchiladas, so that will help too. I haven't finished cleaning the floorboards, doors, light fixtures, and carpets yet, but the nesting bug seems to have slowed a bit in the past week or so. I did clean out the pantry and freezer today because I would be ashamed to have someone staying here with the boys come across some of the nastiness I uncovered! Ewww!
Well, Miss Olivia, we are all anxiously awaiting your arrival and can't wait to see your beautiful face or discover who you will be. I know your brothers will be enchanted with you, especially Jack, and I think you will grow to be Sam's pet as well. I think you may be the last addition to this family, but we may decide we want to expand some more in a few years. We'll have to wait and see how things go. You make your appearance whenever you think you're ready, but if you wanna make Mama happy, please come sometime between now and the 21st! Hope your journey is safe and more pleasant than it will be for me! See you on the other side, baby girl!