Monday, March 19, 2007

Frustration, overload, and a desperate need for therapy

Okay, something has to give here. Maybe I need real therapy, maybe retail, maybe massage, but I need SOMETHING. Tonight I had a good heart to heart (read: fight) with my husband about the state of our union. Basically, he claims this happens every time I'm pregnant and that it's me, and I feel quite strongly that he is being a hard-core JERK. On the off chance that it IS me and I'm a crazy, hormonal pregnant person, I still think he should be the one to step up and quit fighting with me (read: apologize profusely and let me have my way) because I'm A.) a big, fat, unattractive pregnant person, B.) carrying his child, C.) caring full-time for his other two children ages 2 and 1, and D.) always right and rarely willing to apologize.
The most frustrating thing about having a "discussion" like this with my husband (besides the fact that he's out of town AGAIN and we are having it over the phone) is that he is silent through much of it. From what I understand, that is a trait he learned from his father and is not only counter-productive towards a solution, but makes me want to tear off all of my skin and run naked screaming into the street. SOME KIND OF RESPONSE would be better than the silence. I would rather really get into a good one where he calls me an insane bag of hormones with nothing better to do than dream up ridiculous arguments that leave him in a no-win situation than sit on the other end of a silent phone line. I am all for him thinking before he speaks and choosing his words carefully as long as the end result is him actually choosing some freakin words!
I usually end up feeling like a prisoner at the end, where he gives me some lip service about how he'll work on it and do I feel better now? Where do I go from there? I don't feel like it's solved anything (especially because we end up having the same "discussion" the next week) but I no longer have complaining rights and I am forced to give up, raise the white flag, forgive and forget (which I am completely incapable of doing anyhow) and move on until the next time I have had it with the little crap.
Sure, there is a crazy load of pressure on us right now. We are in our mid twenties, with nearly 3 children under age three, only a year and a half out of graduate school (translation- making ANY money), and living in an upper middle class suburbia where it seems not only is everyone 10 years older than us, but also making a heckuva lot more money. Add to that my pregnancy woes of heartburn, sleeplessness, sore back, and apparently hormones (did I mention a COMPLETE lack of libido, probably resulting from being a huge pregnant hogbeast), and you have a recipe for fighting.
Don't get me wrong; our marriage is usually REALLY REALLY good, and my husband is usually a SAINT. But there are times, particularly when I'm pregnant that I want to kill him with my bare hands, sometimes over nothing and sometimes over something quite specific. Generally, we laugh alot, we agree on alot, we genuinely enjoy each other's company and we love our kids more than anything in the world. We have been grossly blessed and should complain about pretty much nothing in our charmed little existence (which creates a whole new level of guilt when we ARE fighting and I feel like the world is a hopeless place even looking down from my ivory tower).
Am I the only one who feels this way? Does anyone out there (not that anyone but me will ever read this, since not even my husband knows the name of my blog) have these same guilty experiences? Maybe I am just crazy. Lord knows three little kids can do that to you, so at least it's not my fault. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Better go brush my teeth.

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