Well, I've been thinking alot about the addition of number 4 to our already kinda crowded family. I go back and forth about the issue alot, and can't seem to reconcile my own feelings toward any one decision. On one hand, our family seems great right now, and I don't want to "rock the boat" so to speak. I have three, beautiful, healthy children, and maybe I should quit while everyone is happy, everyones needs are being semi-met, and I have enough bedrooms for everyone.
But then I think of getting rid of all my baby stuff, and my heart starts to ache. All those tiny little clothes, and sweet baby shoes. The swings, the bassinet, the bouncy seat, the exersaucer, the baby tub, the high chair- all things baby that I have had in constant use in my house for the last 3.5 years. I know many people can't wait to rid themselves of all that baby clutter, and there's a small part of me that looks forward to having all that space back. But the bigger part of me wants to see another baby make use of all that "stuff." A few months ago when we packed Sam's crib into the attic, I felt so sad that we didn't have two cribs in use at the same time anymore. Only ONE crib? That seems so lonely.
Then I think of having my body back. Maybe I would actually invest in some decent clothes again once I know I'm not going to have any more pregnancies. Maybe I would wear regular bras and not nursing bras. Maybe I would wear heels again every now and then. Maybe I would even start getting things like regular haircuts and highlights, facials, and manicures. Maybe I would be me again.
People keep telling me that you KNOW when you're done having kids, so why am I in such turmoil over the whole thing? I don't KNOW that I'm done, but I also don't KNOW that I'm not. I see pregnant women and I long to feel those tiny kicks from within, letting me know that there's a little person, part me and part Ryan, growing inside me, filling not only my uterus, but my heart as well. I watch "Baby Story" on TLC, and think that I'm not ready for my last birth experience to be over. I love finding out the sex of the baby, the ultrasounds and hearing that tiny heartbeat, and the excitement of impending labor. I would love to meet another child and have my entire life changed...all over again.
But FOUR kids seems like so many. My husband and I both come from families with four children, so shouldn't it seem normal to us to have four of our own? But dinners out for four kids- Yikes! And trips to Disney for four kids- extra YIKES! And COLLEGE for FOUR KIDS AT THE SAME TIME- YOWZA!
Maybe one morning (hopefully soon!) I'll wake up with a feeling and KNOW what I want and what is the right thing for my family. But until then...hmmmmm.